Welcome to the Wrath

There comes a time in the life of every fashion conscious New Yorker where we all unite together, in our underwear. That moment is the biannual Barney's Warehouse Sale, an event that can be both hazardous to your health, leave you with scratch and bite marks, and nevertheless satisfied. I'm just kidding - we wouldn't bite, only scratch. That would be so beastly! 

Now there are several things to know about this event. First of all, the later you go, the better because the prices get lower and lower (kind of like that Flo Rida song). Second of all, prepare to be uncomfortable. There are racks and racks of goodies, with more than enough women to compensate for any breathing room. And on a day like today, where it is certainly possible to fry an egg on the sidewalk, the space is not without a strange body odor scent. But you'll forget discomfort when you're surrounded by good friends Marc, Diane and Marni. 

In order to make bank, you must be geared up and ready for action. Ladies, this is not the time to be fashion forward. I'm talking your oldest clothes...you know, the ones that have lost all elasticity and can be quickly taken on and off. 

Here are some essentials: 

• A loose fitting top that you don't really care about. That way, you can throw it on the floor and quickly crawl over to scoop up the Rag and Bone dress that the girl decided against. As you are on all fours, feel free to bare your teeth. 
• Shorts/pants/skirt - anything that means when you take off your bottoms, you only take off your bottoms. I know Blake Lively looks good in rompers, and Katy Perry certainly loves her body suits, but we don't need to see it all, just so you can try on a conservative pencil skirt. 
• Flip flops or sandals. I happened to go for cute but completely stretched out sandals. (The better to fling you with, my pretty.)
• Underwear. And sheer knickers do not count.  Seriously, we don't want to see that. 
• A microscopic teeny tiny purse comparable in size to that of Zoolander's phone (God?). Either that, or no bag at all. Pockets have turned out to be pretty useful. Plus, you'll need both hands...and claws.  
• On a day like today, you'll need one o these bad boys. Fashion forward? Certainly not! But when the humidity sways you to buy that hideous fringed raincoat, you'll come right back to your senses with a lil squeeze and a lil breeze. 

Now I think that's enough of a scholarly lesson for today. As for me, I came home empty handed and am waiting for those little red slash marks to keep ticking away at the price tag. I've certainly made out with some pretty great steals over the years, and I intend for this year to be no different. And as for you? Hop on it! 

*P.S. You might not be hearing from me for a while because of this fine occassion. Either that, or I'll be sample sale-ing. 

photo: Getty Images